When I was pregnant there was a lot of focus on buying all you need for your new baby and how to prepare your body and mind for labour. I think many mums-to-be think of labour as the final stretch, the goal we've all been preparing ourselves for throughout the 9 months of pregnancy.
I hold my hands up. Although I think I coped very well in the first few weeks and I've not let much faze me; I wasn't prepared. I had no idea how I would feel once we got home from the hospital. I hadn't thought that far ahead.I'm writing my experiences of the first week of motherhood. I would have done this at the time but as you already know, or you'll discover one day, when you come home with your new baby, you really are in a little bubble. I hope this is an interesting/helpful read for mothers and mums-to-be!
The photo above is the first photo on my phone of myself and Bronte. I'd just come back into the room after a very tepid bath (please read my birth story for more on that!). You can see tea and toast in the background. You've probably been told about how the tea and toast you receive after labour is the most enjoyable tea and toast you'll ever have. I didn't really touch mine! I was too interested in staring at my baby and the adrenaline I was still feeling made me rather queasy. I did, however, eat a snickers bar because I'd had visions of me chomping on snickers bars during labour so had packed a load in my bag. I hadn't actually touched them and thought I'd have one for the sake of my expectations!
You can read more of my time in hospital in my birth story which is a few posts away!
We bundled Bronte up in the car seat, ready to go home. It makes me laugh seeing how wrapped up she is! You'd never believe it was the 2nd June by looking at the amount she's wearing! The drive home was... leisurely. Like an 80 year old tooting along on a Sunday afternoon. A far cry from the 100 mph the previous night when I was in labour! I can assure you, you'll never be as aware of danger and traffic as you are when you first take your baby out in the car (and for a good while after!)
That night I'm pretty sure Bronte slept the majority of the night, I, however, did not. I was petrified of something happening to her. Looking back, it all seems so ridiculous but the adrenaline I had was unreal. I felt so sick. I think I was fully awake and ready to start the day before 6am. The sun rose early as it was the summer so it felt more acceptable! My midwife was due to visit at some point that morning so I (stupidly) hoovered downstairs regardless of the fact that I'd religiously cleaned the house on the day I gave birth! It shouldn't have mattered and we were specifically told not to worry about the house but there we go, I was hoovering nothing.
The midwife was happy with me, she said I should try a home birth next time. I still wouldn't as I just felt safe in hospital and I was happy with how it went. She also reminded me of "Day 3". The day where the men should probably go and hide in the shed or at very least, tread very carefully! Day 3 is when your milk comes in and your hormones rocket. Day 3 can do one.
I was aware that day 3 was slowly being unleashed in the afternoon that my sister and family came over to visit. I could literally feel it creeping up on me, I even laughed while tears ran down my face saying "Day 3 is happening! I'm sorry, I have no idea why I'm crying! I feel very strange!" Ben had brought in some cheesy crisps for everyone to snack on. The smell of them made me feel sick and angry. I went upstairs to "go to the toilet" and the smell was following me! This was the first time I was fully aware that my hormones were stopping me from eating.
I haven't mentioned how my body felt after labour yet. You feel weak and sore. Like you've had a really bad tummy bug. On top of that, I'd had stitches down below so I found it rather uncomfortable. I was taking lots of painkillers and sitting on soft cushions to ease the pain. Just standing up or getting out of bed was quite a mission. I don't know, it hurt and I just felt so, so weak! Using your stomach muscles for the first time in a number of months is an interesting one! It all feels so abnormal! You carry on bleeding quite a lot for a few days, I'm sure everyone is different but I don't think I was prepared for how much blood there is. It's just a challenge. That's all I can say.
I'm very lucky to have a very supportive husband, Ben. He was consistently supportive and helpful. Make sure you accept help from whoever you're close to, mum, friends, partner etc. You'll soon be on your own in the real world, take help while it's there! Ben went back to work 6 days after Bronte was born. That sucked. I felt like our "babymoon" went far too fast! I didn't really feel ready to be left alone but Ben's self employed and had to return to work. He still made me breakfast every morning before he left and he often still does now, bless him. He's really been amazing.
Unfortunately, for the first few months, eating breakfast was a real challenge. I've really struggled with what must be hormones and breastfeeding. The actual breastfeeding hasn't been a problem at all, I've been fortunate there; it's just this sick feeling. It's really consumed me. I only ate small amounts and all I could stomach was eggs, nuts and pizza! Even then, I'd have to force myself to eat. I had no feeling of hunger and just having food in my mouth made me want to be sick. There were often times when I had to hold my nose. There were also times where I was holding my nose and crying because I just couldn't face eating at all. I've never had a problem with eating. The problem was always getting me to stop eating! I mentioned it to my health visitor and although she seemed concerned, there was nothing she could suggest or do that I hadn't already done. I went to the doctors about it too and I was offered no advice or help. I was even told to not take Complan as a food supplement because it could be bad for Bronte through my breastmilk but I wasn't offered any suggestions to replace it! I felt so unwell, tired and weak. I remember my chest feeling like I was dying. It must have been my milk coming in but it was a dragging, warm sensation right up to my neck. It made me feel queasy and everything just went... slow. I don't miss that feeling. There was one point I remember ringing my mum in tears because I genuinely thought I was going to die. I had probably only slept a few hours in an entire week, barely eaten a thing, was breastfeeding constantly and had also given birth through the night at the start of the week.
Being a new mum is a new level of exhausting. It's safe to say, nothing prepares you for it. It's the most amazing thing in the entire world, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to do it all over again but I also don't miss that feeling of being so groggy and out of control!
When Bronte was a few days old, we went to Asda. I remember slowly drifting down the aisles with Bronte in my Soothe Shirt (great invention by the way! Their website is www.lalabu.com)
I was completely in my own little world and I kept wondering what on Earth everybody was doing going about their own business. I HAD JUST HAD A BABY!Did nobody know?!
The next day, we'd planned to go for a little walk with my sister-in-law, Stacey and Bronte's baby cousin, Ariana. I put a little make up on for the first time, I'm pretty sure I thought I looked amazing, looking back at photos, I can assure you, I did not! When Stacey showed up, she took one look at my rock hard boobs and said I needed to empty them ASAP otherwise I was going to get mastitis! I was producing a lot of milk and Bronte couldn't keep up! They were seriously like rocks and were quite warm. Bronte couldn't latch onto them so that day, I reached a new low. My sister-in-law milked me. Let's let that sink in. I didn't have a pump at the time and they were so painful I couldn't do it myself! I finally got myself geared up to leave the house. We all got to the top of my steps outside. I suggested to Ben that we needed to get one of those safety straps for the pram just in case we let go of the pram at the top of the hill by accident! He then proceeded to let go of the pram (with his hands in front of the handle bar) Bronte was in the pram. I freaked out. I ran back to the front door in tears and begged Ben to let me back in. I was so emotional! It all seems over the top now I look back but at the time, it felt so awful! That was one of the only times I got very upset. After that, things mellowed out and I stopped worrying quite so much about my little bundle.
Nothing will prepare you for how you feel once you become a mother. No matter how many people tell you that, it won't sink in until it happens. I thought I was prepared. I'd worked in childcare, in a nursery and as a nanny for years. I thought I knew what to expect. I didn't. It's the most beautiful mess you'll ever experience and every mother should be immensely proud of themselves. I am. No matter how natural or ordinary being a mother is, you still feel like you've achieved something superhuman! I made another person. I carried her inside of me, I gave birth to her and I continue to feed her with milk I created all by myself! No matter how tired or sick I've felt, it's all been worth it. I give it 10/10.
The first day that Ben went back to work and I was left alone to start what was going to be my new normal, I sat there with Bronte asleep at my side, doing my make up properly for the first time since she'd been born. It sounds silly but I remember dabbing foundation on my cheeks and looking at myself properly in the mirror and for the first time, I honestly felt beautiful. I've never been proud of anything that I've done. Not until I had Bronte. I was proud of myself and I continue to be proud of myself; even if it's for something as ordinary as being a mother. That's all I've ever aspired to be and I'm finally content.
When I say congratulations to someone for being pregnant or for becoming a mother, I mean it.
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