"So... When are you going to stop breast feeding?"

The subject of breast feeding seems to be every where now a days. I'm not entirely sure whether I've only started noticing it since pregnancy or whether it's coincidently stepped into the lime light at the same time but it's hard not to scroll through my Facebook news feed any more without spotting an article or post about breast feeding, good or bad.

Ever since falling pregnant, the thought of breast feeding in public hasn't bothered me. I believed that those stories of disgusted members of the public, wincing at the sight of a baby feeding, were rare occurrences. In all honesty, when I breast feed Bronte out and about, I'm either looking down at her, talking to a friend or looking at my phone. I don't look around me to see who's staring and you know what? I couldn't really care less. 

That said, Bronte is 2 months away from her 1st birthday and recently (and not so recently) I have been asked the question, "When are you going to stop breast feeding?"

Not by strangers but by friends and family. It's a perfectly acceptable question to ask but the frequency at which this subject arises does begin to become... I don't know... bothersome. 

Bronte's first tooth appeared around the 6 month mark. "It's weird now she has teeth."

I'm sorry? Is it? If everyone had this view then I'm pretty sure humans would have died out centuries ago. Not only that but some babies are born with teeth.

I'm sure this wasn't said to offend me but it does. Whilst I'm sat there breast feeding my 6 month old baby, It being described as "weird" makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed; even if I know it's a ridiculous statement.

I'm not clued up on how formula works and when you're supposed to cut it out but once a baby is weaned from formula (Around the age of 1?), I'm gathering it is replaced with cows milk? Milk from a cows' udder? How am I wrong to feed my child it's own mothers' milk? I am fully aware that drinking cows milk is absolutely the norm and has been since forever but when I'm being told I'm weird for still breast feeding Bronte I can't help but feel mighty confused.  I have NEVER said and never will say (or think) anything negative about the way others choose to feed their children because they are not my children. I have friends who both breast feed and formula feed; it doesn't make me feel any different about them and it shouldn't do either. 

I could go on and on about the positives of breast feeding. I could continue to go on about the positives of "extended" breast feeding. The World Health Organisation recommends breast feeding at least until 1 year of age and then as long as baby and mother mutually want to.

I joke that I'll be poking my boob through the school gates once Bronte starts Reception. 

I haven't got a plan for when I will stop. I know breast milk is good stuff so I'll continue to feed Bronte until she no longer wants it or when I decide it's time. Who knows when that will be. 

All I know is that I already feel embarrassment for future me if I'm still breast feeding her in a years time, even if I know there's nothing wrong with it. I shouldn't have to feel like that. 

I would LOVE for people to realise that breast feeding is NORMAL and I am not a weirdo. It saddens me how detached some are from how we are designed to nurture our children. Getting your boobs out in public already requires a certain amount of confidence without small minded people adding their 2 cents about the subject, believe me. 

Fed is best. I will be continuing to flash the postman mid-feed for however long Bronte and I decide. Oops.

Let's DO Something!

Being a mother is the best thing to ever happen to me. I could shout this until I was blue in the face because I'm truly made up with my little family. My Instagram is full to the brim with happiness and whilst the majority of the time, I am content; I'm only human and I do get upset sometimes, regardless of how "perfect" my Instagram life seems. It's easy to look at a strangers' Instagram account and think they have everything. Picture perfect. Whilst I cannot speak for them, it's almost guaranteed that they have struggles too.
I'm writing this blog post to reassure that we're all winging it in our own way, that I pick and choose what I share with everyone and that I do own "The Chair" in the bedroom which is almost always home to a stack of clean washing to put away. However, just because I filter out the not-so-good bits, doesn't mean I'm being fake or that I'm lying. I don't like dwelling on sadness, I'd rather move on. I don't feel a need or want to share with you daily struggles and I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive husband. I enjoy sharing the good bits because 90% of the time, I'm having the time of my life! Instagram to me, is a fun way of sharing things I want to remember. Making good memories. I frequently enjoy scrolling through old photos, reading old comments and being proud of the life I've made for myself  when just prior to signing up to Instagram, I was living by myself with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, unable to work and very, very lonely. To think, back then, that I'd ever be in the position I'm in now is unthinkable and I'll be forever grateful to Ben for doing nothing but support me since I met him in 2012. I genuinely never thought anyone would want to marry me or that I'd ever be lucky enough to have a family of my own. That has always been my goal, no matter how mediocre and average it appears to many.
That said, recently, I began to start feeling like we were just plodding along. Not really doing anything significant. I was guilty of seeing other peoples' online lives, going on day trips, going on holiday etc and realising that we weren't doing enough as a family. I wouldn't call it jealousy as such, we're just as capable of doing these things. It just made me realise that we didn't have enough "get up and go" and I felt frustrated.
I'm a class A procrastinator, I faff. I faff so much that I can easily make 9am to 1pm disappear in the blink of an eye without even getting out of my pyjamas; if I'm not careful, by the time I'm ready, it's too late to have a proper "day out". When the weekend arrives and it's "family time", any routine (very loose sense of the word!) with Bronte goes out of the window. Having Ben at home throws Bronte and I out of sync with daytime naps and feedings that I end up getting flustered, confused and we often let the weekend pass us by without doing anything. When I say "without doing anything", I'm sure you're aware that I don't mean lay-ins, relaxing and naps... I mean, playing with Bronte at home or doing a bit of tidying. These would be absolutely acceptable weekend "activities" if our minds were set on doing these things from the off. Unfortunately, the entire day passes us by whilst our minds are trying to think of exciting things to do. This means that the joy of an average day at home gets ignored and we wind up feeling lack lustre come Sunday evening because we feel like we haven't made the most of our weekend.
I'm sure others can relate? I'm not lusting over an expensive holiday or an exhilarating bungee jump, I'd just like to have the motivation to decide on a day trip prior to the day and actually do it. Once a weekend. Be it a long walk through the woods, a trip to the zoo or exploring a city we've not yet visited. Ben and I now make sure we've got a few plans in place for the weekend and we ensure that, give or take a few adjustments, it happens.
We've visited St. Fagans National History Museum, an open-air museum in Cardiff chronicling the historical lifestyle, culture, and architecture of the Welsh people. I went there as a child and we had such a nice day there with Bronte. It's set up like a little village with all the buildings set up as they would have been in different time periods. It's free entry and I totally recommend a visit if you're ever near by!
I've also booked for the 3 of us to have a night in our wedding suite for a change of scenery, a swim and some nice food. Plans went out the window this weekend as we've all been unwell but we still made the effort to go for a walk in the fresh air and go to our local garden centre to show Bronte the animals in her push along VW Beetle! It all seems so ordinary but honestly, it's an achievement for me!
If anybody has any suggestions on things to do and places you enjoy, please share as we're now ready and excited to live a little!
If you're anything like me and have been feeling like you're not making the most of your days, try writing a list of achievable things to do and places to visit. It's honestly made me feel so much better. Sometimes it's easy to let having a baby consume you and it really is a task to get out of the door sometimes, especially if you don't have anything in particular to do. Failing that, just accept that you're having a day inside and give yourself chance to enjoy it!
Remember to give yourself your own goals, be inspired by others but just view Instagram photos at face value. Roll on the Summer, the Winter months always leave me feeling a little low! I can't wait to enjoy picnics and simply enjoy warmer weather!

Handy Baby Gadgets - What's Worth It.

Whether you're a mum-to-be or a fully fledged mother of 4, you're probably aware of the heaps of baby related products that are out there. I have an obsession with baby stuff. I'm bombarded. Lots of parents like to get by with the bare minimum of gadgets but if you're anything like myself, you've probably scoured the internet for products for each stage of your baby's development and wonder what's worth buying.

I thought I'd make a list of what products I have found helpful along the parenthood way! If you have any recommendations of products that parents may enjoy, please add in the comments!

Enjoy!

Greentom Upp Reversible.

I was sent this pram by Greentom after contacting them about how much I loved the idea. It's 100% recycled and is RIDCULOUSLY light. When I was pregnant, I bought a Quinny Moodd pram which I love the look of and once I was on the move, I enjoyed it however it's super bulky, heavy and hard to get round smaller shops. The Greentom Upp is like a breath of fresh air, I find it difficult to go back to my Quinny after using the Greentom as it's just a lovely experience to push! I'd recommend it to anyone, the quality of the fabric feels luxurious in comparison to other brands, it's an ease to move around, it looks amazing and it's recycled! You get to choose from a range of coloured fabrics and frames so it's really customisable. What's not to love? It's affordable too! I'd recommend to anyone. I'll be reviewing this pram in more depth soon so watch this space.

Check them out here!

www.greentom.com

Widgey Breastfeeding Pillow.

I was given this pillow by a friend and it came in super handy. I originally used it to support Bronte in the early weeks of breastfeeding. You place it around your stomach and then lay your baby on it at the breast. Once Bronte was beginning to sit, I used it as support for her and to cushion her fall as she got stronger. The majority of the time she sat with one of these instead of a Bumbo or similar. I felt like it required her to do more of the "sitting" rather than a Bumbo that does most of the work for her!

Babymoov Cosysleep Positioner

I wasn't planning on buying any of these sleep positioners but after about 6 weeks of very frequent wakings, I caved and decided to give this a try. I found Bronte slept for longer periods of time and definitely seemed more cosy. I could transfer her from pram to moses basket by using it wherever I lay her down. It had the option to have her legs slightly raised too which is supposed to help with reflux and there's a dip for the head to prevent it from becoming flat. I really took it everywhere with us so that she'd always have somewhere to sleep that was familiar. We used this until Bronte could roll over.

Mamas and Papas Astro Bouncer

This was the first gadget we bought when I was pregnant. Again, I wasn't planning on buying one but Ben got excited at all the flashing lights and sounds. I must admit, it was a good purchase and I found it super handy to occupy Bronte whilst I had a shower or needed to do the washing up. As well as the usual vibrating settings and music, this bouncer has an LED light display in the arch, interactive "dangly things" to pull and foot pads that set off different sounds when the baby kicks. It also came with different cartridges to change the theme of songs and activities, you can buy more separately and they can be used in other Mamas and Papas products! Oh and an auxiliary cable to play your own music from your iPod or phone! Super techy but we got a lot of use out of it and Bronte loved it!

A Baby Carrier

Since the beginning, I've worn Bronte an awful lot. I started off by wearing her in my Soothe Shirt from Lalabu which is an amazing top with a little pouch to carry your newborn safely in by supporting with one hand and easily accessible for breastfeeding. Then I moved onto a ring sling made by my friend, Sid. I tried a mei tai carrier which I didn't get on with as I found the tying fiddley and I used by sister-in-law's stretchy wrap for a short while. From about 3 months I've used more structured carriers. The two I have are an Ergobaby which I LOVE and is super comfortable and ergonomic but I didn't get the 360 version which allows a front facing carry so I also bought a Baby Bjorn One carrier which allows for that and that's also ergonomic. I love them both for different reasons. I think the Ergobaby is marginally more comfortable and has a handy pocket to keep keys etc but the bulky straps mean I look like the hulk if I try wearing a coat over the top. The Baby Bjorn is far more streamlined, has the added carry option and I find getting Bronte in and out of it more simple!

Natursutten Natural Rubber Dummy

Bronte wouldn't really take to a dummy but this was the closest we got to her accepting one. I'd still recommend giving them a look though as not only are they a nicer alternative to your average dummy, they're also 100% natural and super soft.

Bottles

I've pretty much completely breast fed Bronte and only expressed on the very, very rare occasion. I can't say there's a real reason for it. I didn't have an opinion on it or anything, it's just happened that way. I guess I just haven't really had the reason to use a bottle. The first bottle I tried her with at about 3 months was the Twist Shake bottle which is a beautiful, colourful bottle with a formula mixer built in. Not something I used but I'd recommend for any formula feeders out there, looking for a bottle! I also got sent a Minbie bottle which prides itself for being an easy bottle to use whilst breastfeeding as it mimics the breast. Bronte did take to it on the occasions I've used it so if you're looking for a bottle that your baby might accept, this could be the one for you!

BebePOD Flex Plus Seat

A super, super handy seat which I've used since Bronte was 3/4 months old. First to support her sitting and give her a different view of the world whilst playing, then as a chair to feed her in. I still don't use a highchair at 9 months old. She sits in this on our table or on a dining room chair. We take it round friends and family's house so we can feed her easily wherever we go! It's light and doesn't take up much room.

Num Num Spoons

These spoons are brilliant and allow Bronte to feed herself far easier than with a conventional baby spoon. They are small enough for tiny hands and have ridges in to keep food from falling off easily. All your baby needs to do is dip the spoon into their food rather than scoop. Brilliant!

Beaba Babycook Food Processor Solo

This little beauty allows me to steam meat and veg in 15 minutes and then blend it to the consistency I want, all in the same, compact food processor. It's really easy to use and clean and also comes with recipes to try out! We've really found it helpful and store extra meals in our freezer!

Munchkin Miracle 360 Cup

We love this sippy cup! Bronte can sip from any edge of the cup to drink. It doesn't spill like her Tommy Tippee sippy cup, no matter how much she throws it around. It's easy to clean and gentle on her toothy pegs!

Sophie la Girafe

A firm favourite in our household! We've tried lots of teethers but this one is by far Bronte's favourite. As soon as I present her to Bronte, she's beaming!

gNappies

If you're umming and ahhing between disposable and cloth nappies, this may be the nappy for you! Neither cloth or fully disposable, gNappies have washable outers called gPants and biodegradable, disposable inserts. They're slightly more difficult to use than your average disposable as there's obviously some washing involved but as long as you've prepared your gNappy prior to changing a nappy, it's super easy to put on your baby and Bronte is super comfy in it. The gPants come in such cute designs and are good for the environment! 

You can purchase these from www.gnappies.com

Jumperoo

I swore I wouldn't need one of these. They're big and bulky and let's be honest, not the most beautiful of toys. It has however, been quite handy. I only use it for about ten minutes daily but it keeps a now very active Bronte entertained for enough time that I can get showered and go to the toilet! It was a life saver when she was not yet sitting as all she ever wanted to do was jump and my arms couldn't take it. I'd recommend, even if it's just to get the little things done! They're quite easy to pick up second hand and you can always sell on as soon as your baby is over it!

Betty the Bee Slumber Buddy

Part of our bedtime "routine". The music and the star light projector are signs for Bronte that it's time for bed! We love ours if you're looking for a night time soother/night light/ music gadget!

Ikea Stacking Cups

These glorious cups deserve a mention as they're super portable for entertaining when we're out, they keep Bronte interested for prolonged periods of time, her face lights up every time she sees them stacked, some have different holes in for water play, they're just brilliant and the best bit... they were £1.50! Best money I've ever spent... I've also noticed they've brought out a new colour way of these this year! (I'm obviously going to buy them too!)

Pregnancy - Gender Surprise?

From as far back as I remember, before I was even pregnant, both Ben and I had already decided that we would find out the gender of our baby at our 20 week scan. Not one part of me was interested in waiting until the birth. The idea of finding out the gender half way through a long pregnancy filled me with excitement and who was I kidding? I'm impatient.
It's a common question that you're asked during pregnancy, "Do you know what you're having or are you having a surprise?" I don't know about you but pushing a baby the size of a watermelon out of my nunny is quite a surprise by itself.
When I was pregnant, I was often asked what my gender-finding-out-plans were and I was met with varying responses. The majority of them however, from strangers and distant family members were that of disapproval when I revealed that I'd be finding out at our 20 week scan.
I guess this was my first taste of what it's like to have unwanted parenting opinions shoved in your face. 
What is so disappointing for other people about finding out before the "big day"? Anyway, my scan date arrived and Baby T had their legs crossed. I left the hospital with no more of an idea of the gender than I did when I went in. I did, however, have a perfectly healthy baby growing inside me, and of course, that's the most important thing.
There seems to be stigma attached to "not waiting". As if you only want to find out because you want a specific gender and that you should just be happy that you're growing a healthy baby. I feel embarrassed to admit that I left the hospital with tears in my eyes. I now look back and imagine that, to some people, it would look like I was being ungrateful. Of course I was relieved I had a healthy baby. Many people aren't that fortunate. I'll admit it, I'd built myself up for 16 weeks. I was excited. The day had finally arrived where I was going to be able to imagine a little bit more about my little baby. They were no longer going to be an "it" but a he or she. I would be able to finalise baby names, decorate the nursery, go clothes shopping. To me, after 16 weeks of morning sickness where I'd been off work, the gender scan was a little something to look forward to. Obviously, I would have been happy with either gender. I was just excited to know. It was a little disappointing to not find out after 16 weeks of anticipation, of course it was. I don't think that makes me an awful person.
By the time we were home, I was over it. We discussed paying for a private scan but we decided to wait until the birth day. For someone who's pretty impatient, that's quite a big deal! I then had the following 20 weeks filled with awkward moments when strangers would congratulate me on waiting to find out the gender because "It's a shame people find out early nowadays" "A surprise is better".
I'll be honest, not knowing the gender was a mix of excitement and frustration. I desperately wanted to know, I felt like I couldn't imagine a genderless baby and I wanted to feel more prepared. I wasn't a fan of beige and white clothes, I wanted a bit of personality there and struggled finding anything neutral that I liked. (Not that clothes should really be an important factor but I was nesting and buying baby clothes is fun!) We did have fun wondering about what we were having, I was sure I was having a little boy. Most people thought I was having a boy. I focussed more on boy clothes, boy names, I imagined a little mini Ben. Baby T was a boy in my mind.
On the 2nd June at 5.30am, my mum exclaimed, "It's a girl!" She was placed on my chest and her gender meant absolutely nothing. Her gender didn't cross my mind. I was just overwhelmed that my baby was finally here and that was all that mattered. 
If I'd have found out her gender at 20 weeks, the surprise, excitement and love in the room on the day of her birth would not have been any different.
I'm glad I waited this time but we think we'll find out early next time, so we've experienced it both ways, my opinion still stands though, I don't think finding out at 20 weeks is a shame. I think it's exciting either way but if you think you need a gender surprise to make the birth special, I think you're wrong. Every birth is an absolute miracle, regardless of how much of a surprise you get. Both ways are beautiful and exciting for different reasons, who cares when individuals choose to find out!

A List of Things I Said I Would and Wouldn't Do as a Parent.

The Circle of Neglect

When I was pregnant, we had 9 months to prepare our lives for the arrival of our mini human. We'd spend hours doing research on prams, sleeping arrangements, baby names. Throughout the pregnancy (and before), I'd also made a mental note of all the things I wouldn't buy or do once baby was here.
Fast forward and I can assure you, I was a plonker.

1. We need a changing table.
A changing station complete with Milton spray, disposable gloves, cloth nappies, disposable nappies, muslins, cotton buds, cotton wool balls, baby wipes, nappy sacks, a sangenic bin, every nappy cream known to man, cute boxes and tubs to organize all of the above.
Bronte was changed 40% of the time on the changing table during the first 3 months of her life. Now we wrestle her on the carpet... not even with a mat. Soiled nappies are lucky to make it into a nappy sack. Bronte has never had nappy rash to use the array of lotions and potions which are no longer kept neatly in cute boxes.

2. We will definitely do baby led weaning.
I'd read the books, I'd looked online. I was convinced. Puree was unnecessary.
Bronte's sensitive gag reflex begs to differ. Bronte has a mixture of everything but I have to be incredibly careful with what "normal" food I give her as 9 times out of 10, if Bronte gags, she'll projectile vomit. Everywhere.

3. We won't use jarred baby food.
There was one point where Bronte had an entire shelf filled with jars. I still give her jars sporadically. Who are we kidding? I barely ever prepare myself anything half nutritious as my eating habits are awful since breast feeding, I can't bring Bronte up on Cheetos and peanut butter bagels. 

4. No noisy, plastic toys.
I am quite partial to a noisy plastic toy. Bronte likes noise and plastic. Looking at a toy that I know Bronte loves just makes me love it a little bit, no matter how ugly. Anything Bronte likes is welcome in my house (apart from Mr Tumble.)

5. I won't call my baby names.
When Bronte is acting like a poohead, I call her a poohead. Sometimes she really does act like a poohead. It's endearing.

6. I won't swear around my baby.
I decided on this one before I'd become familiar with our car seat. If you don't like swearing, don't stick around when I'm trying to put Bronte in the car.

7. We don't need isofix.
It would appear that sometimes, it's not just Bronte that is a poohead.

8. We won't bed share.
Bronte started off in a cot attached to our bed, now she's in a cot next to our bed. She often makes it into our bed.

9. I will sterilise everything.
Sophie the giraffe is mighty fine after a quick once over with a wet wipe.

10. I will shower every day.
It would seem that I join Sophie on the wet wipe wash more frequently than I'd hoped.

11. I will still have the odd night out.
I'm still yet to have time away from Bronte. Call it clingy if you will, I just don't feel ready yet.

12. If I have a girl, she won't wear pink.
Oh, FINE, I QUITE LIKE HER IN IT.

13. I won't become one of those "over sharing online" mums.
I am the very worst kind of over sharing mum. People who haven't even met Bronte yet, know what she had for lunch 2 weeks ago. I am not ashamed.

14. I won't compare myself to other mums.
I'm guilty. Her baby has been sleeping through since 1 hour old? Is her bathroom always this tidy? Why am I not capable of cooking a meal for Ben every night? Her baby's been walking since 6 months!? I know we're all in the same boat and I know people probably look at me and wonder how I manage to do certain things (like blogging, probably!). 

15. I'll sleep when the baby sleeps.
Who came up with this advice? There. Is. So. Much. That. Needs. Doing.
Can the baby not sleep when I sleep... like at night time?!

16. I won't put Cbeebies on all of the time.
I sing the Twirlywoos theme tune on a daily basis and I think Bing can p**s off.

16. I was organised as a nanny, I can be an organised mum.
99.9% of the time, I leave the house, late, with a hot flush, leaving behind baby wipes, my umbrella and part of my soul.

Sleep?

Whilst I was pregnant, I bought a lovely set of "Baby Milestone Cards" to capture the exciting moments of babyhood. I've been fantastic at remembering to take photos of Bronte featuring her Monthly age cards but when it's come down to the sitting, rolling over and crawling milestones, I've missed them as I can't pinpoint the exact time she did them... was I supposed to use it when she sat for a second or once she was sitting for a minute? Crawling forwards all of the time or mainly backwards but on the odd occasion, forward? 

There is one Milestone card which I am eagerly waiting to use. "I slept through the night for the first time." I hate that card. That card can go to hell. I often see that card pop up on my news feed next to an angelic looking baby belonging to a friend. Now, if Bronte only woke once or twice a night, right now, I'd genuinely consider that a victory. I don't know what's happened but my little cherub has decided that I'm so fantastic, she just has to have a bit of a cuddle or a lick of my nipple at regular intervals. It's a good job that I'm pretty fond of her too.

It has come to my attention that the correct way of determining whether your baby is "good" or not all comes down to how many zeds they give you.

"Is she good? Does she sleep well?"

Bronte is fabulous. I mean, I'm biased and I'm certain there will be people out there who think differently. All mothers have rose-tinted glasses on to some degree when it comes down to their own children but really, 95% of the time, Bronte is a dream and I'm pretty chuffed with the outcome of Ben and I's reproductive systems. She is good. She is a baby.

Now, if your baby is "good" but doesn't sleep well, then it all comes down to your parenting, right?

Bronte is still in our bedroom. Her cot is no longer attached to our bed but she is still next to me. 

"Is she in her own room yet?" "Have you tried controlled crying?" "Babies need to cry, it's good for their lungs." "Are you still feeding her at night?" "Are you still breastfeeding? Maybe you should try formula." "You're spoiling her."

Don't get me wrong, most of the time people are just trying to help and well meaning advice is welcome when I ask for it. I can't help but feel a little under attack though when my parenting skills are questioned. I'm a first time mum, I may have worked in childcare for years but this is different by a mile. We're all winging it in our own way, everything is trial and error. What works for you, may not work for somebody else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with offering advice, just please don't force it upon a new parent if it's not for them.

Maybe it's my own fault that Bronte doesn't sleep through the night, maybe if I was more "tough" then my dark circles wouldn't resemble supermassive black holes and my eyeballs wouldn't look like pickled onions. I favour sharing a bed with Bronte over letting her cry even for a minute. I just can't do it and I won't. As for going in her own bedroom, I know that would be a good thing to try, I just don't think I'm ready to let go! How has it been 7 months already?! I enjoy hearing her sleep next to our bed and whilst I'm still feeding her in the night, she's an arms reach away. I don't have to get out of bed! For the record, Ben and I are in no rush to kick her out, we enjoy her being in our bedroom and that's fine. Just as it's equally fine for a baby to have their own space. 

We've tried classical music, white noise, blankets, sleep bags, room temperature up/down, chamomile tea in a beaker, feeding her more solids, not offering milk with every wake up, offering milk with every wake up, leaving her a little while to see if she'll settle, bath before bed, lavender bath before bed, chamomile bath before bed,  no bath before bed, earlier bed time, later bed time, more daytime naps, less daytime naps, my clothes in her cot, bed sharing, sleeping on her own in the evenings, daddy putting her to bed, mummy putting her to bed etc, etc... at the end of the day, this whole parenting lark is one gigantic experiment and sleeping is just one of those things we're yet to master. 

I dream of having a full nights sleep (well, I'd dream if I was given half the chance to.) but for now, I'll try and savour the moments I have with Bronte because before much longer, she'll be moving out and getting a job, Being a mum is glorious and so is my best friend, coffee, 1 sugar.

For all you mumas out there surviving on little sleep, I salute you, for all you mumas out there who get a good nights sleep, I'm pleased for you (If not a little envious!) 

I'm off to bed, wish me luck... that "I slept through the night for the first time." milestone card is optimistically waiting... good night.

Motherhood - The First Week

 

When I was pregnant there was a lot of focus on buying all you need for your new baby and how to prepare your body and mind for labour. I think many mums-to-be think of labour as the final stretch, the goal we've all been preparing ourselves for throughout the 9 months of pregnancy.

I hold my hands up. Although I think I coped very well in the first few weeks and I've not let much faze me; I wasn't prepared. I had no idea how I would feel once we got home from the hospital. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
I'm writing my experiences of the first week of motherhood. I would have done this at the time but as you already know, or you'll discover one day, when you come home with your new baby, you really are in a little bubble. I hope this is an interesting/helpful read for mothers and mums-to-be!

The photo above is the first photo on my phone of myself and Bronte. I'd just come back into the room after a very tepid bath (please read my birth story for more on that!). You can see tea and toast in the background. You've probably been told about how the tea and toast you receive after labour is the most enjoyable tea and toast you'll ever have. I didn't really touch mine! I was too interested in staring at my baby and the adrenaline I was still feeling made me rather queasy. I did, however, eat a snickers bar because I'd had visions of me chomping on snickers bars during labour so had packed a load in my bag. I hadn't actually touched them and thought I'd have one for the sake of my expectations!
You can read more of my time in hospital in my birth story which is a few posts away!

Fast forward to home time. I was lucky enough to be able to go home on the same day that I'd given birth although I did discharge myself as Bronte hadn't really fed properly. (I wanted to breastfeed.) I was convinced that the reason Bronte wasn't feeding was because I wasn't relaxed enough and it was too hot in hospital. I just wanted to be at home in familiar surroundings.
We bundled Bronte up in the car seat, ready to go home. It makes me laugh seeing how wrapped up she is! You'd never believe it was the 2nd June by looking at the amount she's wearing! The drive home was... leisurely. Like an 80 year old tooting along on a Sunday afternoon. A far cry from the 100 mph the previous night when I was in labour! I can assure you, you'll never be as aware of danger and traffic as you are when you first take your baby out in the car (and for a good while after!)

Arriving home was rather odd! We set up camp in the living room, lots of snacks and drinks to the left of me and I sat there for hours holding Bronte with my top off so she was free to feed whenever she decided she wanted to. Within half an hour of us getting home, a few of my family members came over for a little while just to have quick peek. It was so surreal. There was so much pride in the living room that evening. It was an amazing moment, introducing a new family member to everyone! They left after less than an hour so I could carry on focussing on getting Bronte to feed properly. Luckily she latched on properly and I felt a little at ease!

That night I'm pretty sure Bronte slept the majority of the night, I, however, did not. I was petrified of something happening to her. Looking back, it all seems so ridiculous but the adrenaline I had was unreal. I felt so sick. I think I was fully awake and ready to start the day before 6am. The sun rose early as it was the summer so it felt more acceptable! My midwife was due to visit at some point that morning so I (stupidly) hoovered downstairs regardless of the fact that I'd religiously cleaned the house on the day I gave birth! It shouldn't have mattered and we were specifically told not to worry about the house but there we go, I was hoovering nothing.

The midwife was happy with me, she said I should try a home birth next time. I still wouldn't as I just felt safe in hospital and I was happy with how it went. She also reminded me of "Day 3". The day where the men should probably go and hide in the shed or at very least, tread very carefully! Day 3 is when your milk comes in and your hormones rocket. Day 3 can do one.

I was aware that day 3 was slowly being unleashed in the afternoon that my sister and family came over to visit. I could literally feel it creeping up on me, I even laughed while tears ran down my face saying "Day 3 is happening! I'm sorry, I have no idea why I'm crying! I feel very strange!" Ben had brought in some cheesy crisps for everyone to snack on. The smell of them made me feel sick and angry. I went upstairs to "go to the toilet" and the smell was following me! This was the first time I was fully aware that my hormones were stopping me from eating.

I haven't mentioned how my body felt after labour yet. You feel weak and sore. Like you've had a really bad tummy bug. On top of that, I'd had stitches down below so I found it rather uncomfortable. I was taking lots of painkillers and sitting on soft cushions to ease the pain. Just standing up or getting out of bed was quite a mission. I don't know, it hurt and I just felt so, so weak! Using your stomach muscles for the first time in a number of months is an interesting one! It all feels so abnormal! You carry on bleeding quite a lot for a few days, I'm sure everyone is different but I don't think I was prepared for how much blood there is. It's just a challenge. That's all I can say.

I'm very lucky to have a very supportive husband, Ben. He was consistently supportive and helpful. Make sure you accept help from whoever you're close to, mum, friends, partner etc. You'll soon be on your own in the real world, take help while it's there! Ben went back to work 6 days after Bronte was born. That sucked. I felt like our "babymoon" went far too fast! I didn't really feel ready to be left alone but Ben's self employed and had to return to work. He still made me breakfast every morning before he left and he often still does now, bless him. He's really been amazing.

Unfortunately, for the first few months, eating breakfast was a real challenge. I've really struggled with what must be hormones and breastfeeding. The actual breastfeeding hasn't been a problem at all, I've been fortunate there; it's just this sick feeling. It's really consumed me. I only ate small amounts and all I could stomach was eggs, nuts and pizza! Even then, I'd have to force myself to eat. I had no feeling of hunger and just having food in my mouth made me want to be sick. There were often times when I had to hold my nose. There were also times where I was holding my nose and crying because I just couldn't face eating at all. I've never had a problem with eating. The problem was always getting me to stop eating! I mentioned it to my health visitor and although she seemed concerned, there was nothing she could suggest or do that I hadn't already done. I went to the doctors about it too and I was offered no advice or help. I was even told to not take Complan as a food supplement because it could be bad for Bronte through my breastmilk but I wasn't offered any suggestions to replace it! I felt so unwell, tired and weak. I remember my chest feeling like I was dying. It must have been my milk coming in but it was a dragging, warm sensation right up to my neck. It made me feel queasy and everything just went... slow. I don't miss that feeling. There was one point I remember ringing my mum in tears because I genuinely thought I was going to die. I had probably only slept a few hours in an entire week, barely eaten a thing, was breastfeeding constantly and had also given birth through the night at the start of the week. 

Being a new mum is a new level of exhausting. It's safe to say, nothing prepares you for it. It's the most amazing thing in the entire world, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to do it all over again but I also don't miss that feeling of being so groggy and out of control!

When Bronte was a few days old, we went to Asda. I remember slowly drifting down the aisles with Bronte in my Soothe Shirt (great invention by the way! Their website is www.lalabu.com)

I was completely in my own little world and I kept wondering what on Earth everybody was doing going about their own business. I HAD JUST HAD A BABY!Did nobody know?!

The next day, we'd planned to go for a little walk with my sister-in-law, Stacey and Bronte's baby cousin, Ariana. I put a little make up on for the first time, I'm pretty sure I thought I looked amazing, looking back at photos, I can assure you, I did not! When Stacey showed up, she took one look at my rock hard boobs and said I needed to empty them ASAP otherwise I was going to get mastitis! I was producing a lot of milk and Bronte couldn't keep up! They were seriously like rocks and were quite warm. Bronte couldn't latch onto them so that day, I reached a new low. My sister-in-law milked me. Let's let that sink in. I didn't have a pump at the time and they were so painful I couldn't do it myself! I finally got myself geared up to leave the house. We all got to the top of my steps outside. I suggested to Ben that we needed to get one of those safety straps for the pram just in case we let go of the pram at the top of the hill by accident! He then proceeded to let go of the pram (with his hands in front of the handle bar) Bronte was in the pram. I freaked out. I ran back to the front door in tears and begged Ben to let me back in. I was so emotional! It all seems over the top now I look back but at the time, it felt so awful! That was one of the only times I got very upset. After that, things mellowed out and I stopped worrying quite so much about my little bundle.

Well, other than this pathetic time when I cried to some music that I'd planned on giving birth to. What a mess! I was (and still am) just so, so in love. Absolutely nothing prepares you for it. I can't say I cried when she was first born. I was ridiculously happy and pumped full of adrenaline, don't get me wrong; those uncontrollable tears of joy didn't happen until a few days later when I took this photo though. We still use that music through the night to help Bronte sleep, thankfully it doesn't make me cry anymore! I plan on hopefully playing it at our next baby's birth, whenever that happens!

Nothing will prepare you for how you feel once you become a mother. No matter how many people tell you that, it won't sink in until it happens. I thought I was prepared. I'd worked in childcare, in a nursery and as a nanny for years. I thought I knew what to expect. I didn't. It's the most beautiful mess you'll ever experience and every mother should be immensely proud of themselves. I am. No matter how natural or ordinary being a mother is, you still feel like you've achieved something superhuman! I made another person. I carried her inside of me, I gave birth to her and I continue to feed her with milk I created all by myself! No matter how tired or sick I've felt, it's all been worth it. I give it 10/10.
The first day that Ben went back to work and I was left alone to start what was going to be my new normal, I sat there with Bronte asleep at my side, doing my make up properly for the first time since she'd been born. It sounds silly but I remember dabbing foundation on my cheeks and looking at myself properly in the mirror and for the first time, I honestly felt beautiful. I've never been proud of anything that I've done. Not until I had Bronte. I was proud of myself and I continue to be proud of myself; even if it's for something as ordinary as being a mother. That's all I've ever aspired to be and I'm finally content.
When I say congratulations to someone for being pregnant or for becoming a mother, I mean it.

Georgina Hannay Photogaphy